The Pipe Bit Little Bit: A Pause and A Preview

By Chris Rentner

              To quote the Cold Dead Hand of Management, I’ll be “charging the company for not working” by being on vacation next week.  And since the following Monday is Memorial Day, my entire web staff will be gone.  So both of my readers can enjoy the next two Mondays without being subjected to musings on pirates, the Saw movies, fried eggs, videogames or, on occasion, pipe tobacco.

                But when my web staff and I “choose to come back to work” on May 26^th, we’ll have a special Pipe Bit tribute to a member of The Help who will be retiring and the end of this month.  He came to this country in 1980 and has faithfully worked at Uhle’s for the last 29 years.  Even if you’re one of the Diaz brothers, you’ll enjoy it.  See you on the 26^th!

The Pipe Bit: After the Dance

By Chris Rentner

            In college—and, to correct the Wikipedia entry for this blog,  I actually went to UW-Whitewater—on some weekends, I would go to a bar called T&T’s.  I would plop down on a stool, slap a fresh pack of Alpine cigarettes (college, remember) on the bar and order some noxious concoction (college).  As I drank, I smoked.  The two were inseparable—the smoke complimented the liquor and beer.  So it is still for a lot of Wisconsinites…but only for a while longer.

            This week the Wisconsin legislature will pass a smoking ban on almost all workplaces, including bars.  And Governor Doyle will sign it.  Since I try to avoid politics in this blog, I will only say this about the ban directly:  today, with no state law, many non-smoking bars (grimaces) seem to be flourishing, as are bars that “allow” smoking.  This situation was not due to legislation but to initiative by business owners.  So a ban isn’t need, or wanted, I daresay, by the people who in large part actually make this country succeed (even in a harsh recession).

            Uhle’s and other smokeshops, and cigar bars, in Wisconsin will not be affected by the ban, due to start, as of this writing, July 5 of 2010.  So I can still come to work for Big Tobacco and light up, as I have at work for almost fifteen years.  I don’t have to go outside for a quick smoke break, or go to lunch at a restaurant that allows smoking.  I can smoke while I work, which is quickly becoming  a kind of honor…in another life, perhaps, I would’ve ended up working for Corporate America, here in downtown Milwaukee, and would  have had to duck into Uhle’s for a quick smoke.  There, this alternate me would commiserate about how hard it was to be a smoker.  And I would’ve been glad there was still a refuge, a safe place, that encouraged freedom.

            As the night wore on at T&T’s, some of my fellow students would try to “dance,” meaning left-right-left-right, more swaying than footwork.  Then we’d go home—often alone, sometimes not—after bar time.

            As the smoking ban looms, and we smokers—honest, moral, taxpaying citizens, among many other attributes—continue to be the object of harsh vitriol, it’s time to pull up a chair and think.  It’s time to figure out what to do after the dance.

The Pipe Bit: The Yellow, The Blue and The Black

By Chris Rentner

            Some things are completely unfair—like Hello Mary Lou Prom Night II using “Soul City” by the Partland Brothers without any type of credit (and the movie used that song three times!)  So it is with the discontinuation of a favorite product.

            Uhle’s was one of the six U.S. businesses to survive 2008, despite the decision to turn down the offered federal bailout money.  But the iron razor of ’08 continues to swing, and has claimed two products that have been friends to pipe smokers for years:  Bee Sweetener and Atmos Fresholator have been discontinued.

            These products provided a minor but appreciated function.  The stem of your pipe could be kept clean and somewhat sanitized by dunking a pipe cleaner in a bottle of either of these products, then swabbing the stem and bit.  They were called “sweeteners” because they not only kept the business end of a pipe clean but left behind a thin layer of sweetness that would go away the next time the pipe was smoked.

            Bee’s liquid was, yes, watery yellow while Atmos offered a blue-green hue in its product.  They each cost only a few bucks, if that, and graced many a smoker’s table through the years.  Any differences between the two were near nil—they had their function and they did it well.  But they were not essential to enjoying a pipe, falling into the wide chasm called “accessories.”

            There were two problems with sweeteners:  they could stain the bowl of a pipe, and—quaintly—the screw-top cap would roll off when the bottle was opened and would, of course, roll to the farthest reaches of the room.

            So Bee and Atmos sweeteners are no more.  As they leave the smoky stage, let’s have a least a round of applause for these products that tried to enhance pipe smoking, took up minimal room in inventory and even turned a profit (until lately).  We can now use alcohol to clean pipe stems, or run then under water (only the stem!) to clean them, yes.  But there were, once, two products dedicated to a single small function, just for pipe smokers.  Thanks, guys, and good night.

            This is The Pipe Bit, a Mark Goodson Bill Todman production.

The Pipe Bit: Cherry Orchard

By Chris Rentner

 

            If I would have turned into a cherry, I would have bounced up the stairs from the Uhle warehouse, rolled carefully through the store to avoid becoming cherry juice, and out onto West Wisconsin Avenue.  I then would have used my stem and leaves to feed the fare box of the bus, and ride home, trying not to roll off my seat, and hope the other passengers wouldn’t notice a cherry in their midst.  I’d have blushed, a shy cherry, though it wouldn’t have been noticeable on my already red complexion.

            In my early days of working for Big Tobacco (Uhle’s), some pipe tobacco blends were still produced by using liquid flavorings in-house.  One of these blends was Wild Cherry.  The blending bin was filled with several dozen pounds of burley and other tobaccos, and mixed together.  Then it was time to add the cherry topping.

            I would pour the cherry-flavored concentrate (a commercial concoction for pipe tobacco, not cherry juice) into a squeeze bottle, and add water.  This was shaken, then added to the heaps of tobacco waiting in the bin.  I would pour about a quarter of the bottle onto the tobacco in the bin, blend, then add another fourth of the bottle until it was empty.  When this process was complete, the batch of Wild Cherry would be ready to package.  Also, most of the warehouse and I would reek of a sweet cherry scent.  When a fellow member of The Help would come down to where I was blending Wild Cherry, they would usually be compelled to make a witty remark along the lines of, “My eyes ain’t watering because I’m sad.”  The aroma was pungent, fruity, pervasive and strong until the blend was packaged.  Which was a good thing—it was Wild Cherry, after all.

            Except that, in those days, being single and morose, I took the bus to and from work.  After mixing up a batch of the cherry blend, I too smelled like Wild Cherry—in fact, I reeked of it.  The ride home was trying, my twenty-something male ego being humbled and other riders subtly shifting away from Cherry Man.  And as Wild Cherry was popular, I made it quite often, and got a new cologne for my efforts at the same time.

            About ten years ago, liquid pipe tobacco flavorings were left to the behemoths of the industry; since then, Wild Cherry is made with a quality Cavendish that already comes blended with cherry topping.  My fears of being turned into a cherry were set to rest.

            A cherry pipe tobacco doesn’t have to be one note.  A sampling of blends from different manufacturers:

            –Very Cherry (Lane Ltd.)—like cherry soda.

            –Three-Cherry Blend (McClelland)—a mix of Queen Anne, Bing and Maraschino cherries.

            –Black Cherry (Altadis)—sweet and a bit less fruity than other blends.

            –Midnight Cherry (Stokkebye)—sweet, calm and subtle.

            –Cherry Bomb (John Mellencamp)—too cloying.

            BLOGGER (at office door of Cold Dead Hand of Management):  …so for the next, uh, post on the, you know, blog, I was thinking maybe something about…cherry…?

            CDHM (stares at blogger for a full minute, then with wide smirk):  Well, that would certainly fit you, Chris.

            BLOGGER (stricken):  well, I…(chuckles uncertainly) it’s just that, it’s….(CDHM slams office door).

            Cherry flavoring is very popular in all kinds of tobacco products.  It’s in Sweet Dreams Jubilee cigarettes, Swisher Sweets cigars, snuff and Candlelight’s small cigars, to name only a few.  I think it’s popular because it goes very well with the savory taste of tobacco, complimenting it with a fruity sweetness.  The taste is usually mild but not intrusive, and cherry is a familiar flavor, a known quantity, a comfort.

            Wild Cherry rolls on.  Me too.

 

The Pipe Bit Little Bit: …And More With Uhle’s Blogs

Treat yourself to a visit to another Uhle’s blog at myspace.com/uhletobacco (link at right). This one, written by another member of The Help, is clear, strong, bracing and smooth. And, unlike this one, completely enjoyable!

The Pipe Bit: Glossary #5: Briar and Beyond

By Chris Rentner

 

            Pipes have almost as much variety as pipe tobaccos.  Briar, the king of pipe materials, is carved and processed into many unique shapes in addition to the standards of Bulldog, Apple, etc.  Some of the more obscure shapes are Oompaul, Skater and Oliphant—the last shape being a pipe that has its bowl jutting off straight from the shank,  instead of the usual bowl that points up.  Yes, it’s a challenge to smoke.  There was even a pipe introduced about ten years ago that was as flat as a tongue depressor—the bowl was just a dimple in the wood, and specially-made discs of flatted tobacco (thoughtfully, from the same manufacturer) fit in this area.

            Beyond briar is the reliable tier of meerschaum, corn cobs, clay and occasionally cherry wood.  But some manufacturers have, over the history of pipe smoking, made their products of truly different materials.

            Kirsten pipes (www.kirstenpipes.com) have stems and shanks made completely out of metal.  This is called the “radiator stem.”  The reason?  Kirsten pipes feature interchangeability of pipe bowls—any of their bowls will fit on any of their radiator stems.  So you can buy just a bowl and screw it onto your existing stem—almost a new pipe without the expense.  As a rule, metal is a no-no in pipes; but Kirsten fans treasure the variety this pipe offers.

            Ah, but you want to try a pipe that’s truly out of the ordinary.  The check out the pipes offered by the Bartlett Pipe Company (www.mountwashingtonvalley.com/pipe).  Bartlett pipes, such as the New Englander and Windjammer, are made of rock maple instead of briar.  And they smoke upside-down—you smoke the pipe with the bowl pointed at the floor.  The system to do this is complicated, but apparently works.  This company, by the way, first offered this peculiar style of pipe in the Freedom Smoking Pipe, but this model seems to no longer be produced.

            Not unique enough?  Wood is old hat and you want something truly different?  Then search for the pipe (yes, all lowercase) on ebay.com.  This brand of pipe lined its bowls with a substance called pyrolytic graphite, used in aerospace applications.  The material created, the company claimed, a lessening of tars and nicotine in this pipe.  For an abundance of information on the pipe, visit http://www.thepipe.info/history/index.html.  Author Billie W. Taylor II, PhD has put together on that site the definitive source for learning about this product.  The company that made this pipe is long gone, though, so ebay and pipe shows are the best ways to find one.

            Whatever material you choose for your pipe, be sure to enjoy it.  Briar is still the reigning champ of pipes but variety is welcome, in pipe smoking as in life.

 

            Uhle’s has its own line of handcrafted pipes, the JS pipe.  Made right here in Milwaukee, they start below fifty bucks are fine examples of traditional briar craftwork.  Check out www.uhles.com for more info on Uhle’s own JS pipe.

The Pipe Bit: Star Trek/Sci-Fi: …And The Clouds Made of Smoke

By Chris Rentner

            The new Star Trek movie will open next month, and if tradition holds, nary a tobacco product will appear.  In fairness, Trek has shown some smoking:  in Next Generation, Data was shown smoking a pipe as Sherlock Holmes, and Riker and Picard were gifted with cigars by Q (which they didn’t seem to appreciate).  On DS9 Worf enjoyed a cigar on the holodeck, and on Voyager there was a brief appearance of a cigarette in an early episode—which a character, I think Tom Paris, promptly condemned.  And may I say Bones from the original series would have been a perfect pipe smoker, as would have Captain Sisko from DS9.

            But tobacco is not a factor, really, in Star Trek.  Nor is the franchise alone in seeing a future without smoking—with a few exceptions, most sci-fi ignores or viciously rips any and all tobacco use.

            Those exceptions are notable.  Dennis Leary’s character in Demolition Man is the leader of a pro-freedom group who, forced underground by the health-crazy surface world, proudly advocates red meat, sex, and smoking.  Westworld participants enjoyed cigars and the unfortunate crew in Alien smoked cigarettes.  In comics, Transmetropolitan’s main character smoked in almost every panel.  And Wolverine and Nick Fury are known to enjoy a cigar.

            All of these later examples feature to some degree a dystopia—a very imperfect, un-Star Trek-like universe.  Hopelessness and strife abound in these alternate realities, totally unlike today’s world (insert rim shot).  This may explain why smoking is “allowed” in these creations.  Smoking also creates, in some cases, a “noir” atmosphere reminiscent of classic films.

            Confining smoking to these dystopias is a disservice, at least.  In the realms of fantasy, J.R.R. Tolkien—a pipe smoker—created the immortal, “pipe weed”-loving Hobbits, which sustained them on their long quest to vanquish evil.  Smoking is such a vital part of this epic that even the recent filmed versions of the trilogy kept the pipes intact.  And as a whole, the genre of fantasy seems to give smoking a much fairer shake than science fiction.

            I know that sci-fi has a better imagination, more creativity, than to limit smoking to dystopias or bitter vitriol.  The long history of sci-fi is one of tolerance of differences and a lust for new horizons.  Surely, the creators and innovators of this noble genre can see a new place in their works for smoking, instead of the tired negativisms of the past. 

            There would surely be smoking in Quark’s bar, to relax, to invite friendship, and to give solace to minds forever voyaging.

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Reminder!  The 2009 Men of Uhle’s calendar is still available!  Stop in our store to enter the drawing for a chance to win your copy!  Second prize is two calendars.

                                       

The Pipe Bit: The Difference

“To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield.”

 –Tennyson, Ulysses

“I’ll hold you close in victory.”

–Scandal featuring Patty Smyth, “The Warrior”

By Chris Rentner

            I do—I admit—enjoy a cigarette on occasion.  Nothing goes better with morning coffee (such a duo the film Coffee and Cigarettes was made a while back).  A Camel Frost gives the perfect hint of spearmint to my groggy taste buds, neatly complimenting my morning brew.  And a cigar, well—with the company of my long-suffering wife, watching an unrated horror DVD with a Punch Chateau L double maduro and an adult beverage makes my weekend (as I stated, my wife is long-suffering and very patient).

            Even at work for Big Tobacco (Uhle’s), when blending pipe tobacco I usually smoke a cigar.  Certainly I have a pipe or two at work—quality control, of course—but I have a cigar close at hand.  At home, though, my smoke of choice is usually a pipe.

            I started smoking a pipe in college.  I filled a corn cob from the local Super America gas station with (I think) Apple tobacco and made a damn mess, being a total newbie.  That evening, when my toothbrush hit my tongue, I thought I was going to die.  The pain was incredible; the paste’s foam dripped from my agonized mouth as I screamed “UH BUH!  EEECHMUH,” or exclamations to that effect.

            I kept with pipe smoking, though:  I loved the taste of pipe tobacco and thought I looked sophisticated, even with my humble cob.  As I learned how to properly puff, the tongue bite—for that was my malady that fateful night—decreased then went away.

            My first tries of cigarettes and cigars produced no such lurid memories.  They were easy and, though tasty, disposable.  But my pipe I could keep, and there were many different tobaccos to be tried.  Learning to smoke a pipe was a process, and a commitment, and I think this is one reason why I prefer a pipe to relax or think.  The results of a commitment—hopefully—can reap huge dividends, and so it was with me and pipe smoking.

            The commitment also produced a concentration.  I wanted to learn and do well.  This meant focusing on how to smoke a pipe correctly, and exploring different pipes and tobaccos, and methods of lighting and cleaning and maintaining a pipe…so much simpler to smoke a quick cigarette or fire up a cigar.  But the difference was a pipe wasn’t easy, it wasn’t thoughtless.  It demanded—and demands—thought, care and attention.

            Maybe pipe smokers are more open to commitment, to long-term relationships.   We know that while a quick smoke is enjoyable, the true rewards come from a conscious agreement to apply the mind, and soul, to a desired pursuit.  And we do, and that makes all the difference.

The Pipe Bit: Glossary #4: Pirates!

By Chris Rentner

            (Note to my web staff:  For the next Pipe Bit, I want a picture of my humble self decked out as a pirate.  I can bring the peg leg and eye patch from home, but I need a cutlass and a parrot.  The parrot can be stuffed, if necessary.

            What I’m gonna do is tie in blend cuts like rope and coin with pirates.  Get it?  Because pirates use, like, rope and they have, you know, treasure with gold coins—ooh!  I’ll need some gold coins, too, real gold, for the picture.  You can take the gold coins from the store register.  And an audio file too, I think of me growling “Aaarrgh, matey” and a video clip of me waving the cutlass [next six pages snipped]).

            Chris—not in the budget.  Sorry—your web staff.

 

            As the Cold Dead Hand of Management has canned my theme, I’ll just get to the content.

            Most pipe tobacco blends come neatly packaged and ready to smoke, just open the pouch or tin and fill your briar.  Some blends, though, require work before you can fill your pipe.

            A very old-school type of blend is rope cut.  This does indeed look, and feel, like a corded rope.  The tobacco is twisted and bound into this shape; and since fine cuts of tobacco would not hold the shape, rope cut blends consist of uncut tobacco leaves—a true rarity in pipe tobacco blends.   Sometimes called navy cut, the purpose of this type of style was to provide ease of transit on long sea voyages—not only could just the designated length of rope be sold, but the rope cut would keep its moisture damn near forever, thus erasing concerns that a blend may dry out.  To smoke this type of blend, the smoker would cut a small chunk off the rope, then mince that chunk into bits to fill the pipe.  Rope tobaccos were also very strong, as the oils from the leaves would mingle thoroughly, and for a long period.  Currently, only Samuel Gawith makes rope cut blends, to my knowledge.

            Two styles of pipe tobacco blends require not cutting but “rubbing out” (pauses for jokes).  Okay, this term means the smoker takes the tobacco and “rubs” it “out” between the hands, in a “heh-heh-heh” gesture, breaking the blend into smaller pieces.  Once a blend is rubbed out, the pipe can be filled.  Most commonly this type of pipe mixture is called flake.  A flake blend (not the blend component, see Glossary #2, Cutting Room) is pressed into a “cake,” a small thin tablet of tobacco.  This is then rubbed out.  Coin cut, or birdseye, blend styles are pressed too, but cut into discs.  Both flake and coin styles pressure the oils in tobacco leaves by pressing; but once rubbed out, can dry quickly.  Peter Stokkebye makes a coin cut blend, called Curly Cut, and Sam Gawith has a legendary Full Virginia Flake.  Also, Cornell and Diehl makes a brick-style flake called Pirate Kake (sigh).

            These cuts provide a change of pace for the pipe smoker, and are a reminder of the long history and evolution of pipe tobacco blends—for pirates and everyone else.

The Pipe Bit: How We Won the War

By Chris Rentner

                                                        Excerpted from 2047 Annual Report, Appendix B:

      …have been receiving, as of late, inquiries regarding the recession of 2007-2010. Many questions come from new investors in our company who were too young to fully understand the gruesome economics of that period. The Board of Directors, looking back on that era, is of the opinion that it is most productive to see how America—and the world—overcame the events of that time. At this remove, we can see that qualities of some well-known pipe smokers played a vital role in finally defeating what some called the Great Recession.

     Although no one, regrettably, had the sheer brain power of Albert Einstein, what was in evidence was the credibility and deliberation of the great scientist. Instead of heated emotion, reason was brought to the debate, and with it a willingness to listen and to work unceasingly toward a resolution to the crisis. And, like with Einstein, there was little use for aesthetics; the problem was not on the exterior, but in what lay beneath the gloss.

     The past had to be reconciled, and the future met. Like the (perhaps) reluctant President Gerald Ford, the task was taken on, mindful of the past and caring of the future. Just as important, General Douglas MacArthur’s spirit provided backbone, a steadfast, unyielding conviction to win the battle, and the war. Although at times, in the process of defeating the Great Recession, some extreme ideas were bandied about, this too helped. By providing what may have been seen as excessive views, as MacArthur did at times, more workable ideas were given a broader platform at the table.

      Even Bing Crosby’s memory contributed, overlaying the tribulations of that time with smoothness and grace—and gentle humor, which can never be underestimated or overvalued.

     The Great Recession ended in 2010. Still today, in 2047, we can remember the lessons of those pipe smokers that came before, and their intellectual courage, work ethic, creativity, patience and resolve. That is how we won the war.

Cordially,

The Board of Directors