The Pipe Bit: Creases Upon A Sophisticated Brow

 

 

 

By A Sophisticate Like Myself

Transcribed by Chris Rentner

Note: I was called into the office of the Cold Dead Hand of Management last week–performance review time. After sitting on a plain wood stool by his desk for forty-five minutes as he worked at his desk and looked at paperwork, I cleared my throat and said, “So…the trade show’s coming up soon–”

“The International Premium Cigar and Pipe Retailers’ show is for professionals in the tobacco industry, like the management here,” he said, never taking his eyes off the plasma screen, “and only professionals; it has nothing whatsoever to do with you, Chris. Speaking of which–a professional is going to do the blog next week.”

Heart sinking, cringing meekly on my unvarnished stool, I asked, “You mean the–”

Without breaking his typing speed, he gave a brisk nod. “I mean the man who actually writes about pipe tobacco. The man who knows a lot about it because he is a professional.”  I cleared my throat, twisted my cap in my hands, and ventured, “Have you…I mean, have you read the…what I’ve been–”

“When I have time to read on the web, which is not often because I actually have a business to run, Chris, I read sites that I may learn from.” He typed for a few more minutes, then shook his head, once, still typing, and said, “so no, of course I don’t. But I’ve heard it’s…amateur. You can get back to work now.”

WITH A CREASED AND LINED brow reflecting my distaste at this entire affair, I once again place myself upon my calfskin sette and address the denizens of that populist thicket, “The Internet.”  My last golden words, in “The Sophisticated Pipe Smoker,” educated you and helped you, the quotidian and the common, appreciate pipesmoking with my unending eloquence.

It was my every intention to further educate you today with an exploration of the uses of the Oriental varietal of pipe tobacco–and when you transcribe this, Chris, please understand that pipe tobacco is not one word but two–but circumstances have, alas, changed my mind. After a brief tour of the physical plant of Uhle’s, I recognize that I must address…though I am loathe to do so…The Help of that establishment. My trained eye noted that the plant of Uhle’s has quite a bit of construction going on–the front sidewalk and road, and the office–and I am taking my precious time here to tell you, The Help: Do not use your “inconvenience” as an excuse for not performing! 

As I light my Dunhill Longitude (shell briar number 5 size) with a monogrammed wooden match, I keep in my meticulously educated mind that I am advising–ugh–employees. You do not, simply put, understand how a business operates; you indeed cannot, for it is above your lower-middle-class station. Nevertheless, you must keep your business at an optimal level at all times; that is why you are in the employ of another, and serve only by his grace. Therefore, you may not use construction–or any other excuse–as a tawdry lie for giving less than one thousand percent. For another example, you may plead, “But, sir, this is Downtown Employee Appreciation Week in Milwaukee!” This, too, shall fall on deaf ears; you can be secure in the knowledge that your appreciation comes in the form of your paycheck, as well as in the multitude of outrageous benefits you receive from your employer. As far as an entire week of “celebrating” downtown Milwaukee employees–I ask your foggy little minds to note that these…events…are paid for by COMPANIES like Johnson Controls and MillerCoors. That is, paid for–like your leeching and undoubtedly undeserved salary–by companies who meet a payroll, pay corporate taxes, and are publicly traded. All things you, as a mere employee, cannot do or possibly understand. This is all, I’m sure, too much for your off-the-rack brains (not to mention your disestablishmentarian leanings) to process, but just do as I advise.

And when you do that, you have my permission to entertain the fantasy–for that is all it shall e’er be–that you, too, may one day be of the regal and elevated status of…A Sophisticate Like Myself.