The Pipe Bit: Glossary #4: Pirates!

By Chris Rentner

            (Note to my web staff:  For the next Pipe Bit, I want a picture of my humble self decked out as a pirate.  I can bring the peg leg and eye patch from home, but I need a cutlass and a parrot.  The parrot can be stuffed, if necessary.

            What I’m gonna do is tie in blend cuts like rope and coin with pirates.  Get it?  Because pirates use, like, rope and they have, you know, treasure with gold coins—ooh!  I’ll need some gold coins, too, real gold, for the picture.  You can take the gold coins from the store register.  And an audio file too, I think of me growling “Aaarrgh, matey” and a video clip of me waving the cutlass [next six pages snipped]).

            Chris—not in the budget.  Sorry—your web staff.

 

            As the Cold Dead Hand of Management has canned my theme, I’ll just get to the content.

            Most pipe tobacco blends come neatly packaged and ready to smoke, just open the pouch or tin and fill your briar.  Some blends, though, require work before you can fill your pipe.

            A very old-school type of blend is rope cut.  This does indeed look, and feel, like a corded rope.  The tobacco is twisted and bound into this shape; and since fine cuts of tobacco would not hold the shape, rope cut blends consist of uncut tobacco leaves—a true rarity in pipe tobacco blends.   Sometimes called navy cut, the purpose of this type of style was to provide ease of transit on long sea voyages—not only could just the designated length of rope be sold, but the rope cut would keep its moisture damn near forever, thus erasing concerns that a blend may dry out.  To smoke this type of blend, the smoker would cut a small chunk off the rope, then mince that chunk into bits to fill the pipe.  Rope tobaccos were also very strong, as the oils from the leaves would mingle thoroughly, and for a long period.  Currently, only Samuel Gawith makes rope cut blends, to my knowledge.

            Two styles of pipe tobacco blends require not cutting but “rubbing out” (pauses for jokes).  Okay, this term means the smoker takes the tobacco and “rubs” it “out” between the hands, in a “heh-heh-heh” gesture, breaking the blend into smaller pieces.  Once a blend is rubbed out, the pipe can be filled.  Most commonly this type of pipe mixture is called flake.  A flake blend (not the blend component, see Glossary #2, Cutting Room) is pressed into a “cake,” a small thin tablet of tobacco.  This is then rubbed out.  Coin cut, or birdseye, blend styles are pressed too, but cut into discs.  Both flake and coin styles pressure the oils in tobacco leaves by pressing; but once rubbed out, can dry quickly.  Peter Stokkebye makes a coin cut blend, called Curly Cut, and Sam Gawith has a legendary Full Virginia Flake.  Also, Cornell and Diehl makes a brick-style flake called Pirate Kake (sigh).

            These cuts provide a change of pace for the pipe smoker, and are a reminder of the long history and evolution of pipe tobacco blends—for pirates and everyone else.

The Pipe Bit: How We Won the War

By Chris Rentner

                                                        Excerpted from 2047 Annual Report, Appendix B:

      …have been receiving, as of late, inquiries regarding the recession of 2007-2010. Many questions come from new investors in our company who were too young to fully understand the gruesome economics of that period. The Board of Directors, looking back on that era, is of the opinion that it is most productive to see how America—and the world—overcame the events of that time. At this remove, we can see that qualities of some well-known pipe smokers played a vital role in finally defeating what some called the Great Recession.

     Although no one, regrettably, had the sheer brain power of Albert Einstein, what was in evidence was the credibility and deliberation of the great scientist. Instead of heated emotion, reason was brought to the debate, and with it a willingness to listen and to work unceasingly toward a resolution to the crisis. And, like with Einstein, there was little use for aesthetics; the problem was not on the exterior, but in what lay beneath the gloss.

     The past had to be reconciled, and the future met. Like the (perhaps) reluctant President Gerald Ford, the task was taken on, mindful of the past and caring of the future. Just as important, General Douglas MacArthur’s spirit provided backbone, a steadfast, unyielding conviction to win the battle, and the war. Although at times, in the process of defeating the Great Recession, some extreme ideas were bandied about, this too helped. By providing what may have been seen as excessive views, as MacArthur did at times, more workable ideas were given a broader platform at the table.

      Even Bing Crosby’s memory contributed, overlaying the tribulations of that time with smoothness and grace—and gentle humor, which can never be underestimated or overvalued.

     The Great Recession ended in 2010. Still today, in 2047, we can remember the lessons of those pipe smokers that came before, and their intellectual courage, work ethic, creativity, patience and resolve. That is how we won the war.

Cordially,

The Board of Directors

The Pipe Bit: The Curse of the Pipe Smoker

By Chris Rentner

           

            “It smells good here,” many customers say when they are in the pipe tobacco section of Uhle’s warehouse.  The many bulk tobaccos form a pleasing scent, somewhat perfuming the air.  I, sadly, don’t notice this anymore as I have been working with pipe tobaccos since 1906.  But the comment does remind me of the Curse of the Pipe Smoker—you can’t smell your blend’s room aroma as you smoke.

            This is a unique affliction.  Gourmets can have their cake and smell it too; the baker can enjoy the classic aroma of baking bread; and when cologne or perfume is applied, certainly the wearer can appreciate the scent.  Alas, the pipe smoker cannot enjoy the same pleasure when smoking a favorite blend.

            Smoking a pipe is surely pleasurable; the flavor of a blend is the main appeal, and this is definitely available for the smoker to savor.  So, too, the smoke gently rising from the pipe and the warmth of the bowl in hand.  Our tactile, sight and flavor senses are delighted.  The poor nose can’t contribute—it’s akin to hearing your own voice on tape (or MP3 or what have you).  We know we don’t sound like that, because when we hear our voice it is through the dense matter of our head (right, some denser than others).  Likewise, some physiological switch is tripped and we can’t savor the aroma of our currently-burning blend.  We can take pleasure, though, that others in the area may enjoy the fine scent from our briar.

            In this respect, pipe smoking becomes something outside the individual.  Only a bystander can appreciate the room aroma of what you are smoking.  Hopefully they can appreciate the uniqueness of pipe smoke which does, in fact, smell good—“I love the smell of a pipe” is a common saying.

            And the smoker?  I think it was pipe guru Richard Carleton Hacker who suggested a partial cure to the Curse of the Pipe Smoker:  Light your pipe, puff contentedly, then put down your pipe and leave the room for ten or fifteen minutes.  On your re-entrance to your den of pipe pleasure, you should be able to enjoy the room aroma of your tobacco.    And even better, you can continue smoking.

The Pipe Bit: The Sophisticated Pipe Smoker

By A Sophisticate Like Myself

Transcribed by Chris Rentner

(Note:  I have been “asked” by the Cold Dead Hand of Management to have a guest writer this week.  Apparently, the CDHM wants something written here “about actual pipe tobacco and not cheese or videogames or a list of dead people or whatever you do.”  I did, however, have the honor or transcribing and publishing here the guest’s comments, so he would not bruise his manicured hands by using a keyboard.)

            IT IS WITH A HEAVY heart and even heavier sigh that I once again address the denizens of The Internet.  Although it is true I once blessed the inhabitants of alt.smokers.pipes with my diamonds of verity, I find A Sophisticate Like Myself once again pressed into service, for the good of pipe tobacco.

            I expound on this topic only as a favor to the owner of Uhle’s, who—to his everlasting credit—asked for my thoughts.  Although an owner of a non-publicly-traded company is the bare minimum social class I converse with, I was still pleased to add some refinement to Uhle’s “web presence,” as the lower-classes might say.

            As I perch on my calfskin settee, drawing on my Dunhill Longitude briar and idly stroking my raw silk smoking robe, I consider the subject of pipe tobacco.  To my utter dismay, many of the unwashed underclass have taken to this elegant undertaking.  Since anger is a hallmark of the uneducated, I merely express my distaste for this disgraceful state of affairs with a brief shake of the head.  Pipe smoking is, after all, a leisure pastime only for the top one perfect of the top one percent.  How can the commoner, the employee, the intellectually lazy truly enjoy this noble endeavor?  Simply put:  they cannot.  The art of pipes and tobaccos is ancient, and must be reserved only for those who can truly appreciate it—such as A Sophisticate Like Myself.

            As to pipe tobacco:  the person who usually types this “online column” has at best a pedestrian grasp of the blender’s art (and is a member of the lower-middle class).  I, an expert in the field, know that there is only one way to enjoy pipe tobacco—grow it yourself.  To the quotidian, this may be too expensive, yes, but the ordinary citizen has no business smoking a pipe to begin with.  I have built my own greenhouse in my dwelling, several hundred square feet dedicated to the nicotina plant.  I also, of course, have The Help process and cut it to my exacting specifications.

            I have, from time to time, had to buy tins of pipe tobacco, as my crop wasn’t ready to harvest.  If you must stoop to this, I can recommend the long-discontinued, original Balkan Sobranie—and little else.  Of course, I have several hundred of said tins stocked in my humidity-controlled cellar…as any real pipe smoker would.

            You have now been the fortunate recipient of my pearls of tobacco wisdom.  May it make you—if you are so deserving—a better pipe smoker, and remember to defer to your betters, as we are more cultured than you.  Dunhill in hand, on my lofty pedestal, I know this to be true, for I am…A Sophisticate Like Myself.